… and why I must restart.

I used to love to blog. I felt like it was the perfect medium for me to think about my practice and share my trials, failures, growth, and reflections.  I felt like writing about my practice, beliefs, thoughts, and lessons kept me vibrant, innovating, and thinking critically about what it meant to be a relevant, meaningful school counselor.  I blogged for me – it didn’t matter if anyone else read it (however, readers are always appreciated).  The more I wrote and reflected, the more I felt empowered to try new things and better my practice.  

Then all of a sudden I stopped blogging.

Every day for the past year I would add “blog” to my to-do list.  Every day I would leave work with that task still looming and never crossed off.  I think I managed to add a few blogs over the period of a year but somehow I had lost the desire, joy, and ability to get anything out in words.  I could not identify why I had stopped – I just knew I no longer wrote about my counseling practice.  It bothered me and I constantly thought of restarting but for some reason I could not bring myself to write.

There were all sorts of excuses:

“I am at a new school and the first year is so crazy, I don’t have the time.”

“My lessons are boring and not engaging.  No one wants to read about them.”

“My voice is too whimsical – too philosophical.  People want tangible takeaways when it comes to education.”

“My job is too restrictive and I have not been allowed to create and innovate here like I did at my past school. I have nothing new to share.”

“I am no longer at a PYP school so who is going to believe I am still using inquiry to facilitate social and emotional learning?”

“I would be better off taking my ‘blog time’ and using it for lesson planning (atlas updating, catching up on emails, connecting with staff, reading, and researching, etc).”

“Let’s face it … I am not a blogger.”

Somehow I could rationalize my decision to stop blogging in my mind but it kept eating away at my core.  Why did I stop?  If it brought me so much joy, why did I not restart?

Then it hit me.  Somewhere along the way I stopped writing for me and started writing for others.  Every post I wrote I worried how it would be received and if people would connect with my ideas. I began to worry that people would think I was phony or contrived. I doubted my lessons and thought people would judge my teaching practices  (never mind I just facilitated these same lessons to students – the people that matter the most — without fear of judgment).  I was questioning my voice and my craft in writing and believed others would do the same.  I became so caught up in how others would view me that I paralyzed myself into not writing. Instead of doing something that empowered me and brought me joy, I let perceived judgment shut me down.

Over the past few months, I have been telling people I feel like I am stuck in a counseling rut.  After a long conversation with my husband, he asked me, “When was a time you were not in your rut? What was different?”  I sat for a hot minute and then said, “I blogged.”  I realized that without have some means of sharing my practice and my beliefs, I had regressed in my counseling practice.  I had stopped trying so hard to innovate and build inquiry-based lessons.  I had stopped adapting practices, routines, and structures I believe help students make their own meaning into my counseling lessons.  I had stopped challenging the status quo and current paradigm of education.  I had morphed into a counselor I didn’t like being.

I realized that blogging was a little extra push and a little bit of accountability for me to better my practice.  Blogging helped me keep current, keep innovating, keep improving and growing because I would take a new idea, try it out, reflect, and then share.  I wanted to try new things as a counselor so that I could record my experiences and share them with fellow counseling practitioners to inspire and shift their thinking, as well. Blogging was my system of checks-and-balances between what I believed and wanted to do and what I actually practiced. I realized without blogging as a tool of conscious reflection I was not always pushing myself to improve and grow the way I knew I could.  Blogging helped me become a better practitioner for students by always thinking about what I did (or could do) to support them.  Not blogging is no longer an option.  I had to do it for me. No one else.  ME.

So here I am, sharing this reflection – on my blog – not for anyone else but for me.  I do so to be accountable to myself, to continue to push counseling forward, and at the same time reclaim the joy that I find in being a meaningful and relevant counselor.

For the days you want to throw in the towel.  

For the days where you can’t seem to find your counseling/teaching rhythm and nothing seems to be going right.  

For the days where the lessons seem off, your behavior management is not quite hitting the mark, and you begin to doubt yourself as a counselor (teacher, coach,  coordinator, administrator …):

1. Remember, this is about YOU not “these kids.”  Who is the only person you are in control of?  That’s right … YOU.  Therefore, instead of pointing the finger and blaming a group of 8 (11,13,16) year olds, look inwards.  The students might have been a factor but they are not the whole equation.  Instead, look at your actions and choices and change the parts of your day that you have the power to change.  Reflect. Don’t blame.
2. Step back and ask yourself, “Is this the norm?”  Chances are the answer will be “no.”  Chances are that you are a strong educator and 99% of the time you have great days where you feel productive, proud, and like you connected with students and helped them make sense of their learning.  Chances are, days like this are the exception. Today might have been that 1% kind of day.  Acknowledge that it sucked but remind yourself that this is not your normal.
3. Reflect on the times you feel like you are an educational-rockstar.  What did this look like?  What was happening?  What conversations were you having? What were you doing to support learning?  How were you growing as a professional? How were you pushing yourself and your students at the same time?  Ask yourself my magic counseling question, “What was different.”  Most likely when you reflect on the great times you will recognize what made today a little tougher, more challenging, or frustrating — like mentioned above — are not typical.
4. Practice self-forgiveness.  Let’s be honest — maybe it was you.  Maybe your lesson was not engaging.  Maybe students were bored.  Maybe you were off your game. Beating yourself up over whatever you might have done to contribute to your off day can never change the day you had.  Instead, you can forgive yourself for whatever it is you felt you might have done “wrong” this day and then move forward.  Give yourself grace — like you would for students who might have been off their game.
5. Find your marigold and share your honest feelings.   Tell them why your day sucked and how you are feeling at this point in time.  Share your thoughts of feeling unworthy as an educator.  Vent in a safe space without judgement.  Then, let it go.  Start focusing on what you can do to make the next day better instead of ruminating on how bad you may feel now.
6. Push your “reset” button.  You give one to students, don’t you?  Imagine a student is “off” for the class, period, or day and you are feeling frustrated with their choices. The next day when they walk into class you give them a fresh start. They are not their behaviors or choices from the day before, right!?!  So, do the same for you. Walk in knowing that you a have a fresh start for the day ahead. Maybe you need to change some lessons, strategies, techniques, or conversations to fully reset but once again, wouldn’t you do the same for students to help them reach academic or behavioral success?
7. Plan a lesson that you can guarantee will feel successful.  For at least one lesson, facilitate a lesson where you will teach from your heart and reaffirm your belief that you belong as an educator.  When a student is on a new academic or behavior success plan, educators set that student up to experience success right away so that they see how it feels to be successful and so that their self-efficacy increases.  By teaching a lesson you know will be engaging and meaningful for both you and students, you are like that student on the plan.  You will experience immediate success, feel confident and hopefully believe that you are a strong educator.
8. If needed, ask for help and support.  As educators, we teach (and expect) students to advocate for themselves.  If a student needs additional support we encourage them to ask an adult they trust.  We teach this skill because we recognize that every learner (and every human) needs different things to feel successful.  This same sentiment is true for educators, as well.  You might need some support or help in figuring out what areas you need to tweak, develop, or grow in.  You might be feeling like you are having more off days than good.  Ask for help.  Go to someone you trust and who you could be vulnerable with.  Ask for assistance, mentoring, coaching, or support just like you would want a student to do.

Remember, we all have days when we question our value, skill-set, and expertise. Those days when it feels like all signs are pointing to “career change” are sometimes the best points of reflection and opportunities for self-awareness. Instead of quitting think about how you can turn the next day around. Treat yourself with kindness and be well.