Category: Individual Counseling

A Question to Determine Motivation for Change

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Change cannot be forced.

I am a firm believer that change can only happen for an individual when they want to change.  As a counselor, I often work with students on developing pro-social and positive behaviors (re: changing behaviors from undesirable behaviors to more desirable behaviors).  With teachers, I consult and provide feedback around areas of concern with specific students or groups of students (re: changing current practices to better align with student needs).  With parents I meet to discuss strategies to help a student academically, behaviorally, and socially both inside the school and inside the home (re: changing specific systems in place to maintain continuity for the student).  A large majority of my counseling discussions center around change — changing behaviors, interactions, norms, conversations, and expectations.   For change to occur the student, parent, or teacher must have motivation to change.  This individual needs to see the value of change or understand what in the long term what would be different or better if change occurred.  There has to be a drive to want to change — motivation.  In other words, I cannot — no matter how hard I try — force another individual to change.

Change can be challenging especially if a certain behavior or pattern is working for you.  Change takes time, energy, and investment.  It also takes a future vision of what life would be like after things change.  Without this vision, the need for change might be unclear.  Therefore, I have come to realize that before jumping into a support plan with a student or teacher, there is value in asking a simple question.  That question is:

“Are you willing to do whatever it takes to make things different for you?”  

If the answer is “yes,” then we have someone who is willing to put in the work and reflection (however long that may be) to change their current behaviors, actions, responses, situation, etc.  If the answer is yes, as a counselor I know that the work that will be done to create meaningful, lasting change will be mutual.  I will not be working harder for change than the student or teacher and the outcome for the individual is usually much more positive and sustainable.

If after asking the question, the student or teacher responds with a “no” or “I’m not sure” then this is a good indicator that the individual is not fully motivated to change.  The current behaviors, situations, or interactions are working and changing might be too big, scary, or overwhelming.  Perhaps the vision of the future (post-change) is cloudy or unclear.  The individual might not fully understand the benefit of changing, at this point.  

If the response is “no” I do not lose hope.  Rather, I typically thank the person for her/his honesty.  Then, I remind the individual that the only person who can change is the person him/herself.  So, at this time, what the “no” response tells me is that I am going to be doing work for the student or teacher instead of with the teacher.  I typically let the teacher or student know that they should go and reflect for a few days on:

  1. What the individual would like to see differently?
  2. If change occurs, how would life be different (better, improve)?
  3. What the individual is willing to do to for things to be different?

Over time, most people realize that work has to be done for change to occur — hard work and self-reflection.  I have found that sometimes hours, sometimes days, or sometimes months have to pass.  However, more often than not a situation occurs that causes the motivation for a student or teacher to change and make something better for her/himself. Then, when I ask the question, “Are you willing to do whatever it takes to make things different for you?” the answer has become a solid yes.  Let the counseling support begin!

The Power of Notes

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I have a very simple, tried-and-true, stand-by counseling technique that I believe could benefit and improve the practice of all educators — not just school counselors.  It is a quick, easy, and effective tool that often takes only a few moments to use with a long lasting impact.  It is a practice that creates connections, is student-centered, and promotes well-being in the classroom.  It is a tool I turn to over and over again and am continually shocked, amazed, and surprised with the outcome.  What is this magic tool?  A note.

Dr. Linda Metcalf writes of uses notes in her counseling practice to connect with students, remind them of their goals, and to celebrate successes. When I first learned of this tool to support counseling, it naturally stuck in my mind.  Personally I have always enjoyed writing and sending hand-written notes.  These might be to give thanks, to celebrate, or to simply say “I’m thinking of you.”  In my personal life, I have always received positive feedback about how meaningful notes are and how they make an individual feel.  Therefore, when I learned this could become part of my professional practice, I was an immediate believer.  If a note has such an impact to someone who does not necessarily “need” support, how much more of an impact could it have then on a student who is working through a problem, issue, or stressful event.  I was excited to see if this was a meaningful and authentic tool to add to my counseling tool-box.

The first time I wrote a note to a student, I was unsure how it would be received.  I was working with a student who lacked a positive school affiliation.  He had bought into the belief that he was not smart, a troublemaker, and that no teacher liked him.  After meeting a few times together (and feeling like our sessions were not moving forward), I decided to write him a note.  It was simple.  I took construction paper, some markers, and sat at my desk.  In the note, I greeted him, told him good morning, and that I was very excited to have him at school that day.  I wrote that I could not wait to see him after lunch and hear how his morning had gone.  Then, I went to his classroom and placed the note on his desk in an inconspicuous place.

That morning, during passing periods, I noticed that this student was smiling more and seemed a little more happy.  At lunch, he was engaged with friends and joined in a game.  At our session that afternoon, he did not mention the note but he did seem (for the first time) to be excited to connect with me and create a plan for how to complete some missing assignments.  It was the first time that he fully bought into our counseling session and advocated for his own needs instead of believing what others thought of him.

Since this experience years ago, I have regularly used the note as part of my counseling practice.

If a student is struggling to separate from parents and caregivers in the morning, I write a note saying how glad I am they are at school and how proud I am of them for joining their learning community without fear.  

If a student is new to our school and trying to transition in, I write a note acknowledging the fear and bravery that comes from entering a community where no one knows you.  

If a student is working through a death or divorce, I write a note commending the student on his/her ability to be at school, learning, thinking, and participating when her/his mind might not feel like it.

 If a student has been working on changing a behavior from an undesirable one to a more pro-social one, I write a note praising the student on a time I “caught” them in the desirable behavior and stating I am eager to see the momentum continue.  

At times, a student will come by and say “thank you” for the note.  Most often, they do not.  I do see little changes, though, whether it be in a smile, a change in behavior, stopping to say hi more often, or a little more buy-in during future interactions.  I do often hear from teachers, parents, and other stakeholders that when the student read the note, there was a genuine smile on the student’s face.  And, every once in a blue moon, a student writes me a note back!  For me, that is enough to keep writing notes and believing in the power of them to positively impact students.  In fact, the note is one of the most used tools in my counseling tool-box.IMG_0380

Is there a student you think could benefit from a personalized note?  Have you used notes in your educational practice before?  Are there other ways you think a note could benefit the school community?

Reactions vs Responses

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In my daily counseling practice, I have a mantra that I repeat over and over again.

“Respond.  Don’t react.”  

Being a counselor in an elementary international setting with over 1,100 students on my caseload, a lot comes my way.  No matter how planned and organized I am, the day comes at me how it wants (sorry plans).  This can cause stress, frustration, and what I refer to as counseling triage — what needs done NOW vs what can be put on the back burner?  In times of stress or busyness, it is easy to react to a situation rather than respond.

What is the difference?  A reaction is jumping into something — a conversation, a reply, an email, an interaction — based on emotion and the need to “get something done now.”  A response is a well thought out reply to a situation that is student centered, solution focused, and based in rational, logical, reflective thinking.  Responding is not about one person having the power but rather about mutual understanding of an issue.  A response builds and keeps trust and does not demean the situation or the individual(s) involved. Responding creates win-win situations and opportunities for individuals to grow, develop, and change.

Reacting allows you to move through “issues” in a quicker manner and check more things off your to do list since you are able to say or do the first thing that comes to your mind without much intention behind it.  However, reactions are typically visceral responses often based around negative emotions you might be feeling.  This means that often people receiving the reaction end up with hurt feelings, misunderstandings, broken trust, and bad lingering feelings long after the interaction is over.  Reactions are also quick fixes that may work for the counselor but do not necessarily lead to long term change and resolution for the other parties involved since someone is having a issue decided for them instead of making meaning him/herself.  Let’s be honest … reacting is WAY more easy and WAY more natural than responding — but not the ideal interaction.

So how does one choose to respond instead of react?  Anytime I am confronted with an issue — no matter formally or informally — I automatically make myself pause.  In that moment of space, I ask myself, “When this interaction is over and future counselor self is reflecting on this interaction, how do I want to feel or think about how it was addressed?”  Now … I know that seems like a long thought to have and it is!  However, by stopping to ask myself this question I have just allowed time to think prior to responding to the issue at hand.  By looking at the situation in a “back to the future” style, I think about how I will feel if I respond to the situation instead of react.  

Will future counselor self feel proud of the response?  

Will future counselor self feel like all parties were listened to and their voices heard?

Will future counselor self reflect that all parties involved were treated with dignity and respect?  

Will future counselor self feel like she solved the problem for a student (staff member, parent, stakeholder) or will she reflect that she helped guide the individual toward his/her own resolution?

For example, say I just sat down at my desk to catch up on emails and case notes in the only 30 minutes I have free in a day. Now a staff member walks in my office wanting to consult about a student, what do I do?  I might be filled with irritation that the staff member did not schedule ahead.  I might be frustrated that my only half hour to complete this portion of  work is now going to be filled by something else.  But, I stop, pause, and think about how I want to look back on this situation.  Would I like to feel like I burned a bridge by telling the staff member I am too busy to consult?  Would I like to feel like I pushed aside my task to consult but then felt bitter later when I was finally catching up on emails and the other staff member had long headed home?  Or would I like to feel like it was a win-win situation for both parties by stating that I am actually unavailable at this time but would be happy to meet after school, once students had left so let’s get something on the calendar?

Asking myself to reflect on the situation as if it has already happened allows me to take the initial emotional reaction that I may have to a situation and approach it in a more meaningful, productive way.  Using this approach in counseling also models for students that sometimes the best way to approach situations is with a stop, think, reflect model.  I can inform students that I am going to allow a few moments of silence to think about how to best respond to a situation.  I inform them it is important to me to think about how future self will feel when this interaction is done.  Then I can tell them this process is called responding to a situation.  Just jumping in and solving it would be easy but that would be a reaction.  Students pick up on the pause, think, reflect model and then can choose to apply it as situations come their way.

So, when situations come your way, stop, pause, and in that space ask yourself, “How does future self want to feel when they reflect on this interaction?”  In that brief question, you have just decided to not react but respond.  Easy, eh?!?

My Magic Question

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I have a magic question.  It is simple yet powerful.  It is empowering and not degrading. It is:

“In the future, what would I see different?”

I use this question all day, in all situations, with all ages of students.  If I am speaking with a student about an undesirable behavior I have observed — I ask this question.  If I see a student who has forgotten or is struggling with a school routine or expectation — I ask this question.  If I am dialoguing with children who are stuck in conflict or trying to make sense of the choices they made — I ask this question.

This question is magic because it …

  1. Moves the conversation from an authoritative lecture to an supportive learning opportunity
  2. Empowers students to be thinkers and use their voice
  3. Creates a natural opportunity for student reflection and proposed action
  4. Creates a sense of student buy-in where the student can actually follow through on the “difference” they name
  5. Shows the student you don’t define her/him by his/her current choice/action but rather …
  6. … Shows the student you believe they are capable of changing behaviors and making positive choices
  7. Allows students to practice problem solving skills and become solution-focused

This question has not failed me.  Sure, sometimes students stop and hesitate before answering.  However, I like to believe it is because they are genuinely surprised that someone would ask and then they are thinking of an honest, thoughtful response.  I love the way that when I ask this question, a sense of worry visibly disappears from student faces.  They know that this is not a punitive conversation where they will end up “in trouble.”  Rather, it seems that when students hear this question, they realize that I am supporting them in their behavior and action development. It is always inspiring to hear the response of a student who clearly has a plan to choose a different plan of action in the future.  It is also liberating to spend more time listening than talking.

So, go ahead.  Steal my magic question.  I dare you.

Being Reflective with “Trouble Starters”

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“How do I make friends?”  “How do I keep friends?”  These are two of the questions that I am most frequently asked by students across all grade levels in my daily counseling practice.  In response, I always start by turning back to the IB Learner Profile and reviewing with students what it means to be reflective.  Students explain their knowledge and understanding of this profile trait and I reiterate that being reflective means thinking about yourself and the role you play in any situation.

Then, I turn to one of my most trusted resources to help students in their reflection process and in making meaning of their friendship questions and issues.  I pull out my “Trouble Starters” list which I originally found in a book from the American Girl Company called Friends: Making them and keeping them (Criswell, 2006).  This resource names 10 actions or choices that a student (or adult) might make that would most likely cause conflict with a friend.

10 Trouble Starters in an infographic I made for use in my counseling practice.

10 Trouble Starters in an infographic I made for use in my counseling practice.

 

Together the student and I look through the list, one item at a time.  I make sure the student understands what each action means and that they have context for the statement.  We then spend time dialoguing around why this might cause problems with friends.  Then, I ask the student to reflect silently on if she/he might have ever intentionally or accidentally engaged in that action.  Often the student shares out his/her response and a personal example or connection.  After this I always ask, “In the future, what will look different?”  At this point, the student usually spends some time thinking and responding about different choices she/he could make to avoid a trouble starter with friends.  Sometimes we spend time planning for actual conversations or situations.  Sometimes it is more theoretical or vague.  No matter what, I always communicate that we are focusing on his/her actions NOT the friend’s actions as the only person we can ever change is our self.

I have found that this list of Trouble Starters is a powerful tool for students of all ages as they can make personal connections between their actions and the impact on the friendship.  Each trouble starter also seems to be a universal action that students comprehend regardless of home culture, community, or country making this a great resource for the international school community.  I have also had many students report back when they 1) caused conflict with friends by using a trouble starter or 2) avoided conflict by choosing a different action.  When this happens I always acknowledge the student being reflective and either celebrate or counsel accordingly.

Trouble Starters has been in my counseling tool kit for years.  What other resources do you rely on to explicitly teach friendship skills?  How do you encourage student reflection?

Criswell, P.K.  (2006).  Friends: Making them and keeping them.  Middleton, WI:  American Girls Publishing, Inc.